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The First Time – Sept 15, 2012

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We were on our way out of town for a long weekend with friends when Kate started complaining about the third trimester being surprisingly uncomfortable.

We are probably the only people in the state who were blessed by the raging wild fires that weekend. We would have been well on the other side of the mountains by mid-day if they hadn’t forced us to cancel our trip to Lake Chelan and spend a few hours making new plans to go to Bellingham.

Instead, we were only about an hour north by mid-day when I timed Kate’s contractions only 5 min apart. We turned around and despite the nurse’s advice, passed a number of hospitals on our way back to our home hospital: UW Medical Center.

It didn’t take long for the doctors to tell us that there was a good chance we were having this baby very soon. We were introduced to a doctor in the NICU so that he could give us the 10 min NICU crash course. He was very kind and patient with us, and I could see empathy in his eyes when I told him, “Thanks for all the advice, but I hope I never see you again.”

We saw that doctor about 6 hours later when Henry was born. That was both the most beautiful and the most tragic moment of my life. Because as soon as he was born, he was cleaned up and moved to the NICU. Kate wasn’t even done with labor when I left her to follow Henry to the NICU.

He was more tiny and beautiful than I could have imagined. But he also looked strong. We didn’t yet have a name for him, but he reminded me of a bear. I stood by that little bear’s bed and I cried. A lot. I was terrified and saddened that things weren’t ‘normal’. Ironically, it was a condescending comment that gave me the strength I needed to make it through those first few terrifying days.

A few months earlier, I was visiting a friend who was a NICU pediatrician in Hawaii.  I have no idea how we got on the topic, but at some point he said to me, “I want to roll my eyes at the parents of 30 weekers in the NICU. You have a 30 weeker, they will be fine!” Henry was born at 30 weeks, 5 days, and knowing that a good friend, with a lot of experience thinks that 30 weekers are nothing to worry about was incredibly reassuring. It was the harshness of the comment that made it so trustworthy to me. He never would have said that to me if he knew that Kate was carrying a 30 weeker in her belly at that moment.

So I leaned on the strength of my little bear and an offhanded comment to pick myself up, trust the nurses with my preemie, and get back to check on Kate. I spent the rest of the day bouncing back and forth between the two until at last we could all be together. And when Kate held him for the first time, it started to feel like we were going to be alright.

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That’s day one and this already feels like too much for one post. Week one later…

Keep the beard?

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I wasn’t sure what to do about this beard. It’s a bit of a story.

2015-08-16 13.15.40

My family was in town in July and my dad was growing out his vacation beard. It was around the time Kate was entering the third trimester and gestationally exactly when my first son, Henry, was born. I don’t usually have a beard, but thinking about beards and the third trimester, naturally had me thinking it was appropriate to grow a third trimester beard.

I’ve watched enough professional sports to know that the teams with the biggest beards win in the playoffs and if beards bring success and longevity to the playoff teams, certainly beards bring health and longevity to the third trimester of a pregnancy. So I stopped shaving in July.

So now that George is born, I’ve been debating if I should shave the beard. I think of the NICU as an extension of the third trimester. I certainly want to do everything I can to support good health during George’s NICU stay, but longevity in the NICU didn’t excite me as much.

So I’ve thought about it. And for two really big reasons, I’m keeping the beard until George comes home.

1 – George was born as healthily as I could ever ask for. Sure, he was small and had all the usual complications that come with that, but he was HEALTHY. So clearly the beard worked for that part, and good health is more important than longevity anyhow.

2 – I’m happy to spend a lot of time in the NICU if it means that he comes out of here healthy and strong. Besides, it’s not like the beard did much for longevity in the first place. 😉

PS – George is doing great. He’s done with breathing support and his IV. He’s up to full feeds in his gavage tube. We’re entering into the slow part of the NICU stay – figuring out how to eat.

Back in the NICU and loving it

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My first trip to the NICU was incredibly emotional. I guess that’s pretty obvious since it inspired the name of this blog. I experienced every single emotion at a very primal level throughout my seven weeks in the NICU. But if I’m honest about my emotions during that time, the strongest, most persistent emotion was fear. Not in fear for Henry’s health, but rather fearing that this week won’t be his last week in the NICU. I wanted nothing more than to take my baby home, and I feared that day would never come.

I’m not going to let that happen again. I’ve lived over two years with Henry since he was discharged Nov 4, 2012. I know now that my NICU scars are much deeper than his. I know that seven weeks is a flash in the pan relative to the joy that he has brought me since. I listened to Randy Scott’s talk about his daughter with down syndrome last year. I can’t pretend to understand the emotions that he experienced, but I will follow his example and write my own story.

Here’s my story: I’m back in the NICU and loving it.

I love the NICU because it has now given me not one, but two beautiful gifts: first Henry, now George. If it weren’t for the NICU, and all it’s insanity, I wouldn’t be a father, twice.

I love the NICU because Kangaroo Care is an amazing bond between me and my son. There’s something about the warm touch of his skin combined with the cold harshness of his life saving equipment that makes me really happy.

I love being back in the NICU because it’s given me the opportunity to reunite with all the people that helped my first son, Henry. If I stopped by the NICU last week. They wouldn’t let me or Henry in to even say hi to the nurses. Because George is here, we’re able to catch up with all the staff who played such an important role in Henry’s life. I’ve never been more proud of Henry than walking him through these halls as a NICU graduate.

I’m not going to be emotionless. I’m angry that George is on his third IV in three days. I’m sad that Kate was crashed into a c-section without warning. I’m fearful of all the things that could still go sideways in the NICU. But that’s not my story. My story is that I’m happy and grateful to hold George in my arms. I don’t need that to happen at home. It’s happening right here, right now, and I’m thankful for it.

NICU bliss

emotional dad roots

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My son is 18 months old now. 18 months ago, he surprised us by showing up more than two full months early. The first day in the NICU, my lovely wife, Kate, caught the nurse write down “Emotional Dad” in her notes. I wasn’t ready to have my son show up two months early, and it was pretty obvious to those around me. I created this video when he was one week old to help deal with the situation.