Author: emotionaldad

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I'm a dad who's been accused of being emotional. View all posts by emotionaldad →

Home Automation

January 2, 2019Uncategorizedemotionaldad Leave a comment

I’ve been messing around in home automation the last few months. It happened because someone broke into our garage, stole two bikes, and rummaged through just about everything else. So I got some cameras, security equipment, new locks, etc. but that’s not really what this post is about…

School is closed today, so I took the boys to the zoo. We tried to have lunch at a local restaurant, but because my 3 year old decided he absolutely had to sit on the side of the table with his brother rather than his dad, and was determined to start screaming and crawling under the table until that happened, we left the restaurant after sitting down for less than 2 min.

So after a tiring morning and a frustrating lunch, I was putting the boys in their bedrooms for some quiet time when Henry, my 6 year old, asked if he could read to George. Watching him work super hard to read to his brother brought me so much joy. Seeing how proud he was of himself. Oh, and the bonus is that all I had to do was sit back and take pictures.

And that’s the best kind of home automation.

Apologies for the blur, they both started squirming a bunch when I got out the camera.

The First Time – Sept 15, 2012

April 11, 2016nicunicu, parentingemotionaldad Leave a comment

We were on our way out of town for a long weekend with friends when Kate started complaining about the third trimester being surprisingly uncomfortable.

We are probably the only people in the state who were blessed by the raging wild fires that weekend. We would have been well on the other side of the mountains by mid-day if they hadn’t forced us to cancel our trip to Lake Chelan and spend a few hours making new plans to go to Bellingham.

Instead, we were only about an hour north by mid-day when I timed Kate’s contractions only 5 min apart. We turned around and despite the nurse’s advice, passed a number of hospitals on our way back to our home hospital: UW Medical Center.

It didn’t take long for the doctors to tell us that there was a good chance we were having this baby very soon. We were introduced to a doctor in the NICU so that he could give us the 10 min NICU crash course. He was very kind and patient with us, and I could see empathy in his eyes when I told him, “Thanks for all the advice, but I hope I never see you again.”

We saw that doctor about 6 hours later when Henry was born. That was both the most beautiful and the most tragic moment of my life. Because as soon as he was born, he was cleaned up and moved to the NICU. Kate wasn’t even done with labor when I left her to follow Henry to the NICU.

He was more tiny and beautiful than I could have imagined. But he also looked strong. We didn’t yet have a name for him, but he reminded me of a bear. I stood by that little bear’s bed and I cried. A lot. I was terrified and saddened that things weren’t ‘normal’. Ironically, it was a condescending comment that gave me the strength I needed to make it through those first few terrifying days.

A few months earlier, I was visiting a friend who was a NICU pediatrician in Hawaii. I have no idea how we got on the topic, but at some point he said to me, “I want to roll my eyes at the parents of 30 weekers in the NICU. You have a 30 weeker, they will be fine!” Henry was born at 30 weeks, 5 days, and knowing that a good friend, with a lot of experience thinks that 30 weekers are nothing to worry about was incredibly reassuring. It was the harshness of the comment that made it so trustworthy to me. He never would have said that to me if he knew that Kate was carrying a 30 weeker in her belly at that moment.

So I leaned on the strength of my little bear and an offhanded comment to pick myself up, trust the nurses with my preemie, and get back to check on Kate. I spent the rest of the day bouncing back and forth between the two until at last we could all be together. And when Kate held him for the first time, it started to feel like we were going to be alright.

That’s day one and this already feels like too much for one post. Week one later…

happiness

October 22, 2015Uncategorizedemotionaldad Leave a comment

Having children has caused me to think a lot more about happiness. Lots of folks quote studies that claim parents are less happy than childless people. I don’t really care to debate that. I guess the Atlantic did, but there are a lot of words there, so I didn’t read it.

I recently listened to the TED radio hour on happiness and it reminded me about a bunch of things that I could use being reminded about daily. Here were my takeaways.

“Slow down” Carl Honore

More specifically, he said something to the effect of “I found myself arguing with my child about what words were actually in his bedtime story because I was trying to skip parts to accelerate the bedtime routine.” I found myself in this exact circumstance about a month ago. Stepping up to two kids is hard. It’s natural to look for ways to cut corners, but I stopped, because what’s the point? Save time reading him bedtime stories just so that I can speed more quickly to him being in college?

“Less stuff = more happy” Graham Hill

I actually started to catch wind of this over a year ago. It was about the time we were starting to think seriously about a second child. We also started to think about a larger house. Instead of getting a larger house, we got rid of 1/3rd of our stuff. It was a great decision. I still need to work on not buying the stuff in the first place though. 😦

“Gratefulness => Happiness, not the other way around.” David Stendl-Rast

I first learned this when I visited my sister in her village in the middle of Niger. I met the most amazing people there. They had so little, little education, little opportunity, little water, little food. But they had community and family, which were basically the same thing there. And they were grateful for it. And they were some of the happiest people I’ve met.

“Happiness comes with practice” Nate Muller

So with all that I’m working everyday to achieve happiness and more importantly, imprint it on my boys. I do my best to slow down, minimize my stuff, and be grateful for what I have.

An update

Speaking of grateful, I never posted about bringing George home from the NICU. Well, we brought him home after a short 3.5 week stay, and yes, I’m grateful for it. Not bringing him home, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to be in the NICU. I know how lucky I am to have not one, but two beautiful, healthy boys, thanks to the University of Washington NICU team. Last weekend, we took them for George’s first run in a double stroller. It’s just a simple run around the lake, but I can’t even describe how grateful I was in so many ways in that moment.

George’s first run

Keep the beard?

August 16, 2015nicu, Uncategorizednicu, parentingemotionaldad Leave a comment

I wasn’t sure what to do about this beard. It’s a bit of a story.

My family was in town in July and my dad was growing out his vacation beard. It was around the time Kate was entering the third trimester and gestationally exactly when my first son, Henry, was born. I don’t usually have a beard, but thinking about beards and the third trimester, naturally had me thinking it was appropriate to grow a third trimester beard.

I’ve watched enough professional sports to know that the teams with the biggest beards win in the playoffs and if beards bring success and longevity to the playoff teams, certainly beards bring health and longevity to the third trimester of a pregnancy. So I stopped shaving in July.

So now that George is born, I’ve been debating if I should shave the beard. I think of the NICU as an extension of the third trimester. I certainly want to do everything I can to support good health during George’s NICU stay, but longevity in the NICU didn’t excite me as much.

So I’ve thought about it. And for two really big reasons, I’m keeping the beard until George comes home.

1 – George was born as healthily as I could ever ask for. Sure, he was small and had all the usual complications that come with that, but he was HEALTHY. So clearly the beard worked for that part, and good health is more important than longevity anyhow.

2 – I’m happy to spend a lot of time in the NICU if it means that he comes out of here healthy and strong. Besides, it’s not like the beard did much for longevity in the first place. 😉

PS – George is doing great. He’s done with breathing support and his IV. He’s up to full feeds in his gavage tube. We’re entering into the slow part of the NICU stay – figuring out how to eat.

Back in the NICU and loving it

August 13, 2015nicunicu, parentingemotionaldad Leave a comment

My first trip to the NICU was incredibly emotional. I guess that’s pretty obvious since it inspired the name of this blog. I experienced every single emotion at a very primal level throughout my seven weeks in the NICU. But if I’m honest about my emotions during that time, the strongest, most persistent emotion was fear. Not in fear for Henry’s health, but rather fearing that this week won’t be his last week in the NICU. I wanted nothing more than to take my baby home, and I feared that day would never come.

I’m not going to let that happen again. I’ve lived over two years with Henry since he was discharged Nov 4, 2012. I know now that my NICU scars are much deeper than his. I know that seven weeks is a flash in the pan relative to the joy that he has brought me since. I listened to Randy Scott’s talk about his daughter with down syndrome last year. I can’t pretend to understand the emotions that he experienced, but I will follow his example and write my own story.

Here’s my story: I’m back in the NICU and loving it.

I love the NICU because it has now given me not one, but two beautiful gifts: first Henry, now George. If it weren’t for the NICU, and all it’s insanity, I wouldn’t be a father, twice.

I love the NICU because Kangaroo Care is an amazing bond between me and my son. There’s something about the warm touch of his skin combined with the cold harshness of his life saving equipment that makes me really happy.

I love being back in the NICU because it’s given me the opportunity to reunite with all the people that helped my first son, Henry. If I stopped by the NICU last week. They wouldn’t let me or Henry in to even say hi to the nurses. Because George is here, we’re able to catch up with all the staff who played such an important role in Henry’s life. I’ve never been more proud of Henry than walking him through these halls as a NICU graduate.

I’m not going to be emotionless. I’m angry that George is on his third IV in three days. I’m sad that Kate was crashed into a c-section without warning. I’m fearful of all the things that could still go sideways in the NICU. But that’s not my story. My story is that I’m happy and grateful to hold George in my arms. I don’t need that to happen at home. It’s happening right here, right now, and I’m thankful for it.

zero to baby in 6 flat

August 12, 2015Uncategorizedemotionaldad Leave a comment

It happened again. Just when I felt like everything was going so smoothly. Days after a routine checkup. So familiar, but surprisingly different.

Saturday afternoon, I was enjoying the weather, geeking out watching competitive gaming. The tournament concluded at 6:30pm and that same moment, Kate called me to tell me she felt like she was in labor. I rushed home with some help from my friend, Phil. Kate’s parents rushed over to watch Henry. By 8PM, we were discussing c-sections with the doctor because we were looking down the barrel of a 33-week preterm breech delivery.

By 12:26am on Sunday, George Philip Muller was unceremoniously tugged out of Kate’s belly. In 6 short hours, we went from “everything looks great” to c-section to NICU.

My sister, Adelle, told me something like this years ago, I’m reminded of it almost every day since our first trip to the NICU. “Being a parent is a leap of faith. You make the decision to do it, you watch how the dice fall, and you go with it.”

I couldn’t be happier with our decision to roll the dice.

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Love You Forever

March 1, 2015Uncategorizedemotions, parentingemotionaldad Leave a comment

When I was 18 and heading to college, my mom bought me the book Love you Forever. She started crying on the second page as she read it to me. I remember laughing with my two sisters about it since they had experienced the same thing heading off to college with our Mom.

When Henry was born, I got the book out to read it to him and started crying on the second page. I now avoid the book as much as possible since my feelings haven’t dulled with repeat readings. I guess the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. Love you, Mom… forever.

update: I just showed this to my mom. She started crying immediately. 🙂

emotional dad roots

March 27, 2014nicunicu, parentingemotionaldad Leave a comment

My son is 18 months old now. 18 months ago, he surprised us by showing up more than two full months early. The first day in the NICU, my lovely wife, Kate, caught the nurse write down “Emotional Dad” in her notes. I wasn’t ready to have my son show up two months early, and it was pretty obvious to those around me. I created this video when he was one week old to help deal with the situation.